Payne: Cadillac CTS-V takes road to excess

Posted by hpayne on December 3, 2015

cadillac

When I was a wee motorhead, my buddy Tommy Miller and I would draw pictures of freakish auto mutants: Formula 1 cars with eight wheels, sports car catamarans, sedans with jet engines.

You know, kind of what Cadillac has done with the Corvette-powered CTS-V.

The sterile, alphanumeric badge doesn’t convey the full insanity of this vehicle. Dodge calls its 707-horsepower Charger sedan the “Hellcat.” Shouldn’t Caddy get something appropriate like, say, “Nostradamus”? Or “Bonkers”? Or, if it must be alphanumeric, how about “ICBM”?

Chief Engineer Dave Leone and his merry band have created a track weapon that no one will ever take to the track. The V is an exercise in pure decadence. It’s a hot fudge, chocolate chip mousse cake aimed at other confections in the Decadent Café: BMW M5, Mercedes AMG S63, and the Tesla P85D. For 90 large, these sedans sport supercar performance with luxury legroom.

It’s an exercise in what’s possible, not practical. Ever wanted to find out what a four-door Corvette Z06 was like? V is your ride.

Think zero-60 in 3.6 seconds. A top speed of 200 mph. The Z06 — sharing the same LS4, pushrod, small-block V-8 — tops out at a mere 187 due to its prodigious downforce. Though in keeping with ’Vette’s Alpha Dog status, it maintains the horsepower mantle, 650 to 640.

Cough. 640 ponies in a two-ton sedan?

But this is no Charger Hellcat — Detroit’s other 200-mph rocket. The Hellcat is heaven in a straight line and hell in the twisties. V grips asphalt like a magnet. Credit a stretched version of the same Alpha platform that has made GM kin Camaro and ATS-V bona fide M3 predators: 19-inch Michelin Super Sports, magnetic shocks and extensive chassis stiffening.

My media colleagues got to take Big V out on Wisconsin’s Road America race track this July while I had knee surgery to put more lead into my accelerator leg. Over four miles of the serpentine course — including three 140-plus mph straights — you can explore the full, lurid firepower of the V.

Try this on city streets — tempting as it is — and you’ll quickly run out of real estate. Great Whites need open ocean. Cheetahs need vast grasslands. The V craves a track to stretch its legs. But if you’re thinking of tracking a Caddy, saner minds will choose the $70K ATS-V that I reviewed in May. It’s nimbler with plenty of power from the twin-turbo, 475-horsepower V6. The ATS is a scalpel, the CTS a hammer.

For all of its capability, Cadillac designers were remarkably restrained in their execution. Tommy and I might have gone further — a blower out the carbon-fiber hood, shuttered rear window shades, painted side flames.

Taking the shell of the lovely CTS, the V adds bigger front vents filled with metal mesh as if the V has escaped a maximum security prison by crashing the main gate. Shark-like gills — Z06-like — interrupt the side panels. At the business end things get more interesting. The rear fender wells look like Bruce Banner’s shirt after his Hulk transformation — too small for too big biceps. Out back four pipes warn of the beast within.

Press the detonation — er, dash — button and V awakens like it hasn’t eaten in weeks.

The Caddy cabin is familiar. Digital instrument display, stitched-leather-and-alcantara dash and interior, rimless mirror, carbon-fiber accents (not wood), heated steering wheel, hidden storage behind the CUE screen. Yes, the much-lamented CUE. The infotainment system insists on getting the job done sans dials and knobs — a driver distraction as I try to fund the right haptic touch point. Ironic since Caddy is on the cutting edge of heads-up displays so you don’t take your eyes off the road.

With steering wheel controls (check), heads up display (check) and voice recognition (check), the center console is becoming more peripheral. This is where cars are going.

The Caddy’s voice recognition system is especially noteworthy.

Driving around Hell, Michigan, to test North American Car of the Year candidates, I discovered most navigation systems couldn’t find Hell, much less navigate there. But the CUE not only recognized addresses like “Whispering Pine Lane” and “Whitewood Lake,” but also had the good sense to take me to Hell without my having to look up a specific address on my smartphone first. Thanks, V.

My tester was loaded to the gills with options including Apple Car Play (coming soon: Android Auto). The optional, adjustable Recaro seats are a marvel. Turn the side dial (thankfully, no haptic-touch here) and you can adjust lumbar, hip and side supports with the touch of a button so you’ll never be unsettled on track. Oh, right. You’re never going to take it to the track. Never mind.

This would be a great Up North summer car. Throw your luggage in the (considerable) boot and the kids in the backseat and you should arrive in Harbor Springs in, oh, about an hour averaging 120 mph. Drop the kids at the cottage and head for the tunnel of trees where you can really let the LS4 loose.

I’ll tell you what it will feel like. Yes, I was bad.

Throw it into a 90-degree right-hander and the 4,145-pound beast hunkers down, seat belt tightening in anticipation. With the shifter in SPORT or TRACK mode, the eight-speed tranny holds 2nd gear as you blast through a series of switchbacks. Just mind the torque, Bessy. The supercharged, 6.2-liter push-rod V-8 has the might of Thor’s hammer.

The engine won’t wake up every cop south of the bridge — unlike the Z06, which sounds like a B-52 bomber raid. Caddy keeps the war noises to a dull roar, the spinning supercharger always audible. It’s a luxury car, you know.

Despite its five-inch wheelbase growth over little brother ATS, CTS is surprisingly agile. Credit a huge, undercarriage bat-brace to help absorb the grip of the Michelin Pilot Super Sports — and another strap across the engine bay. For best handling I settled on SPORT mode with traction control on. As fun as it is to coax lurid slides under power, the engine’s torque will easily overwhelm the rear tires with TC turned off (frankly, I’d prefer an AWD option for a weapon this powerful — two-ton cars don’t snap back as quickly as 3,500-pound Z06s).

Like Tommy used to say, it’s fun to put jet engines in family cars. Just remember it’s still a sedan.

’16 Cadillac CTS-V

Vehicle type: Front-engine, rear-wheel-drive, five-passenger sedan

Price: $84,995 ($91,690 with Recaro seats as tested)

Power plant: 6.2-liter, supercharged V-8

Power: 640 horsepower, 630 pound-feet of torque

Transmission: 8-speed manual

Performance: 0-60 mph, 3.6 seconds (Car & Driver)

Weight: 4,145 pounds

Fuel economy: EPA fuel economy 14 city/21 highway/17 combined

Report card

Highs: Planted handling; Z06 with 4 doors — need I say more?

Lows: $90K chainmail grille?; saner minds will choose an ATS-V

Overall:★★★

Comments are closed.